Mom! We need to have this project done by tomorrow.

One of the most dreaded aspects of being the parent of a school-age child is the dreaded "school project." Those words stike fear in our hearts and throw, what was to be a normal weeknight, into a tissy of activity trying to find the shit you'll need to make some dumbass piece of crap that will eventually end up in your trash. And, it usually involves a trip to the store at 8pm because you don't have the ONE "crafty" item in the house that you'll need! And trust me, we have PLENTY of crafty items in our house!

Three years ago, we barely survived the 6th grade when my son had FIVE major projects throughout the year; most of which required costumes to accompany the display! (See photo.) [Note: You should all be mightly impressed with the costume there as *I* put it together myself. I didn't have to run to MY mom for help, for once.] (Apparently, being the GRANDMOTHER of a school-age child can be just as stressful!) But, I was able to put this together with NO sewing, plenty of felt and lots of fabric paint. Oh the joyful memories of that year.

But I digress...

Last night, when Lauren came home with a bag of gummy worms and declared we HAD to make a recipe using them (thank you, How to Eat Fried Worms!) by today! Ok. Sure, just let me pull that out of my ass! Our night was already busy with the school open house (and me going out with friends to celebrate my birthday). What the hell was her teacher thinking to plan something like that on a night she knew they'd not be home til after 7:30pm?! Thanks for the directions too. A search of Lauren's backpack yeilded no advise as to what the recipe should contain, how many it should feed, or if we should bring plates or bowls to serve it on. Nope. Nothing. There was just a bag full of gummy worms and an index card for us to write the recipe on. Nice.

Praise the Lord that John was hungry after dinner at Subway and just happened to buy two packages of Oreo cookies for dessert.

So there we were at 9:30 pm, (me with a horrid case of IBS forcing six trips to the bathroom all night), crushing cookies, slamming pudding together and layering that with cool whip and the "dirt" crumbs just so we could show off those damn gummy worms on the top.

Those brats better enjoy it!

New Music Tuesdays

I've never been much of a music afficiando. Most of the stuff I listen to has been dished out to me over the radio and I never felt compelled to OWN a ton of cds. I remember as a kid, going with my older sister, Karen, and watching her peruse the record albums. (If you don't know what those are, go away! You're too young to read my blog!) She'd stock up on Elton John, Van Halen (not Van Hagar! lol) and other albums now classified as classic rock. By the time she moved out, she had a shitload of albums in her collection. I wonder what she's done with them?

But not me. Every once in a while I'd join a music club to whore 10-15 cds and then drop it as soon as I could. I always hated wasting $10-15 on an entire CD when I knew I'd only like a couple of the songs on it. Tracy Chapman comes to mind after buying that for the one song, Give Me One Reason. Soundtracks are my favorites because they usually have a nice variety on them. After all, I like everything from metal (Def Leppard is metal, right?), NONgansta rap (Will Smith, Outkast), jazz (Michael Buble), classical (Josh Groban), alternative (All American Rejects, Weezer) and pop (Justin Timberlake, Christina Aquilara, Pussy Cat Dolls). I liked Michael Jackson when he was still a black, HUMAN being. I love Dean Martin but not Frank Sinatra. Give me Rascal Flatts and I'm happy! I'm a schizophrenic music lover!

For Christmas, my husband made the grave mistake of buying me an iPod nano. There goes that New Year's resolution to stop spending money! Hello, New Music Tuesday! I now waste hours online scoping out new songs to download. Just yesterday, I bought Kool and the Gangs Greatest Hits. (Get down on it, baby! I was reliving jr. high and my brief stint as a pom-pom girl. Up until about 10 years ago, I could have still done the "Celebration" routine for you.) I also bought Candyman by Christina Aquilara and the entire album from The Last Kiss. Told you I loved soundtracks!

PS: Zach Braff is so "on my card"

EnVious? I know you are!

After waiting almost a year after my contract was up, I finally went into Verizon Wireless last month to pick a new phone.

All I really want from a cell phone is a phone. I don't need it to take pictures. I don't need to get on the web. And I DON'T need a damn bluetooth thing in my ear all the fucking time. [Rant warning: Why do people think they are all so important that they need to walk around Target with their bluetooth in their ear? I saw a dude out at breakfast a couple of weeks ago on a Sunday morning at 10 am. He was sitting with virtually every member of his extended family. Who the fuck is going to call this guy that he feels compelled to leave that damn thing in his ear all during breakfast?!]

I really just need to have a way to contact people and be contacted by people in the very basic sense.

So, once I got in the store, I avoided the entire section of blackberry phones and the like. I'd seen the enV phones advertised extensively lately...even before the last movie I went and saw. Oh how I wanted one! But there was no way in hell I was paying $300 for a phone. So I stayed in the boring basic phone area and discuss options with the sales rep. She discovered then that I was an NIU employee and the words "employee discount" were being bandied about. Discount? Really. Hmm. "I really LOVE these enV phones, but they are so expensive!" Hmm. "Let's look up the discount, shall we?" she cleverly replies. But really, how much cheaper could it be?

Can you say $200 off?

$100 for that phone?! Well, yes, ma'am. I'll take this one!

Now, I'm like a giddy teenage girl texting everyone in my contact list pissing them off about my new toy! Life is good.

My Last Birthday Ever

Yesterday, I celebrated my last birthday ever. EVER. Yes. You guessed it, I turned 39 yesterday.

Today, I feel every tick of the clock and end my 30s with much trepedation. When I was younger, I looked forward to turning 30. They were to be the golden era of years when the drama of the teens was done. The unstability of the 20s: marrying, finishing college, starting a career, having babies would be behind and I could sit back and enjoy life with my family and friends. But now, I move into "midlife" territory. 1-800-CRISIS here I come!

I be OLD! There's no going back to high school now (coordinating my 20th hs reunion last fall confirmed that!). And even though I might feel the same age as the students I advise, there's no doubt when I look in the mirror that I am NOT college-age anymore.

I am the mother of a kid almost old enough to drive. My parents are in their 70s and my husband is now closer to 50 than 40! I used to tease him that I needed to trade him in on a younger model, but sadly, now HE can say the same to me! (Of course, if you all know John, you'll know he was BORN OLD. He's been 50 now for about 20 years. LOL)

So in that vein, some friends and I are planning Linda's Midlife Crisis Spring Break 2008. We're off to the Carribean to spend a week lazying around on the beach, drinking too much at night and lifting our shirts to our belly buttons to flash people! I cannot wait!

Becoming a blogger

The worst part about any new thing is getting started. Several of my friends, and the world in general, seems to be obsessed now with blogging. So, I guess it's time I jump on the bandwagon.

The Linda Show will have several "episodes." Some will be TV14L, others, TVG. If any of you know me personally, you'll know I have a special talent in my use of the f-bomb and other delightful swear words. My episodes will range from my hobbies to my family to my innate ability to get myself into life's adventures.

I hope you enjoy it!