The Linda Show

Kicking my way back into shape

2009-01-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm TRYING to, anyway.

Apparently Oprah is not the only one who decided to let herself go last year. I'm here to announce that yes, I too gained just over 25 pounds last year. I didn't take turning 40 as admirably as I should have. Letting go is fun. Who doesn't like putting on the feed bag, slapping their ass on the couch, and basically doing NOTHING for 12 months? The bitch is, unless I want a body like those sumi wrestler bodies the people on The Biggest Loser have, I must get it under control.

And well fuck, if Oprah's gonna get skinny again, I guess I should try as well. In my attempt to get back into shape, one of my best pals and I have joined a local "meltdown" competition to see who can lose the most weight. I dug way down in my dresser to find my "workout" clothes. My workout clothes are mostly old tshirts and lounge (pj) pants. You cannot buy cool workout stuff if you wear anything bigger than a size large an irony of the industry, I believe.

The first week, I got weighed, measured, and even had a fat analysis done. If you've ever wondered what it feels like to be truly suicidal, have a fat analysis done. There's nothing more depressing than seeing 46% of your body is F A T. Almost half of my person is considered blubber. Sigh. Not to mention the skinny bitch who does all the measuring has legs that are about the size of my upper arms.

Part of this meltdown thing includes coupons to try out various exercise classes and last night was our first one: kickboxing. Billy Blane makes it look so easy and fun. Ok, let's try it! Unfortunately, our instructor was more like a female drill sergeant. "Come on, let's go!" "Get that leg up!" "Only 30 more seconds!" In the world of kickboxing, 30 seconds feels like 30 minutes when you're raising your leg up to your waist and kicking an imaginary enemy. (I began to picture the instructor as my enemy by the end of the class.)

The most humiliating part was realizing we were unable to keep up with the two 60-year-old women in the class. Today, I'm barely able to raise my arms to type this update and my legs still feel a bit like jello.

Gee. I can't wait for SPIN class next week!

Christmas, the manic depressive holiday!

2009-01-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

Or should I say bipolar holiday to be politically correct?! Christmas break brings about such feelings of joy and despair, doesn't it?

Joy for having more than two weeks off from work. Despair that my children will ALSO have those same days off.

Joy that it was a white Christmas. Despair that it barely quit snowing enough to get all that last minute shopping done.

Joy that I can stay up til 2am and wake up around noon. Despair when I realize on January 5 that I will still go to bed at 2am but have to get up at 6.

Joy for all the Christmas cookies, treats, and savory foods. Despair putting on jeans after wearing lounge pants for 15 plus days. I am too young yet for elastic waist jeans but they do look appealing after a dozen sugar cookies per day. LOL

Joy at seeing my kids's face upon opening their most-desired toy. Despair when the CC bill arrives and I realize I actually have to PAY for them now.

Despair that I alone (again) will wrap every mother fucking present "we" bought (aka *I* bought) the kids. Despair at all the extra laundry from new clothes. Despair at all the organization that we now have to do to fit the crap we just bought/got. Joy that my husband bought me a cocktail shaker and BOOZE for gifts this year. Joy that I got $50 in gift cards for Borders.

Despair that I have to go back to work. Joy that at least it means I'll have high speed internet. There always is a silver lining.

Caution: Woman is louder than appears in the review mirror.

2008-09-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

Last month, my favorite season of the year commenced: FOOTBALL SEASON. Part of my love of fall is inherently connected to my love of the game of football. Every Saturday morning, I wake up to ESPN's College Game Day with my boy Kirk Herbstreet (he's on my card) and that dick Lee Corso (why won't he just die or get fired already!). On Sundays, I go to the early service at church so I can be home in time to catch Fox NFL Sunday. (I miss James Brown but I refuse to watch the mess on CBS. Shannon Sharpe requires closed captioning, I swear!)

This year, JB signed back up for football (yea!), so now I get to spend my Friday nights watching more football and cheering on the Hawks.

I use the term cheer in it's most intense form. What I do is really more of a crazed fan scream that is quite possibly the loudest in the county. People who've never met me ask others who THAT woman is...and I actually scared a toddler into crying last week! The team loves to hear me, though, in person AND on game film. While watching film a couple of weeks ago, coach told the team that, "You can hear JB's mom screaming in the background on this play." Poor JB. (But again, I strongly believe it's our job as parents to embarrass our kids in public and often.) So the next game when he missed a tackle and I screamed at him, coach went over to him and said, "Man. Your mom is pissed!"

I even seem to have a problem yelling at the television. Last week, I even was yelling during a NFL replay of a Dallas Cowboys game from 1977. Do you think they could hear me 31 years into the future yelling at them for not tackling their guy?

During Lauren's last basketball season, John tried to get me to stop and made me watch two games with no yelling allowed. I have to say....longest games I've ever watched IN MY LIFE! I just can't NOT yell.

DEAL WITH IT! (Yes, the all caps means I'm yelling) :o)

Here Piggy Piggy!

2008-08-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

Another year, another fair is in the books!

The Monday following the Boone County Fair is fast becoming my favorite day of the year. I almost love it more than Christmas morning!

The total exhaustion of being an exhibitor at a county fair is something those of you "normal" folks will never be forced to endure and you should get on your knees and thank the Lord right now!

Oh how innocent I used to be when the week of the fair would roll around and John and I would pack the kids in the car and head up for a fun NIGHT of carnival rides, junk food and admiring the animals in the barns. (Ok. That was always JOHN's thing, but still, I supported!)

Now, we pack a TRUCK full of shit that spills over to the car. One night becomes SIX fun filled days AND nights. Countless hours are spent standing around in a urine & feces scented building watching my beloved children slap a pig on the ass to impress a judge who gives each kid the same color ribbon. Laundry piles up by the minute.

Our wallets are sucked dry of all their cash every day and our waistlines grow before your eyes with a diet of funnel cakes, corn dogs, funnel cakes, pork chop sandwiches, funnel cakes, cheese fries, funnel cakes, cheeseburgers, and did I mention funnel cakes? They cover them in chocolate sauce as well as powdered sugar now like they really did need MORE calories in them!! And WHAT the fuck do the Belvidere fireman put in their donuts?! They are definitely the "crack cocaine" of the fair. We went through four dozen in six days! That's 48 donuts, folks!

So today, we escape back to work. The buildings are blessedly air-conditioned and fresh smelling. Plus, I can SIT at my computer all day to work (and even take time to put my head on my desk and nap!).

359 days til it all starts again....

Big Bear….Big Bear Chase Me!

2008-08-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

Last fall, John’s sister and I decided it would be fun to vacation together “Great Outdoors” style and rent a cabin by a lake where the men (and tomboy Lauren) could fish and someplace close enough to civilization (a.k.a. a mall) so the girls could escape boredom when it popped its ugly head. Being the “event coordinator” that I am, I began my search on the net for such a place. We were on a limited budget so our selection was already on the shaky side. Apparently $1500 only goes so far! But I finally found a place about an hour north of Minneapolis, MN that seemed perfect. It was right off the water and even had canoes for us to use, a paddle boat AND a pontoon boat if we wanted to rent it for $300. It had plenty of room for the nine people in our group and plenty of activities for the kids to pass the time: a ping pong table, pool table, and even a fooseball table. Perfect. The photos on the net gave impressions of mornings drinking coffee on the screened-in porch and games at the table at the kitchen table followed by movies around the T. V. in the living room.

Expectations were high.

Reality is was more of a kick in the ass. Reality was a screen porch that was missing half the screens with only three windows that opened. Reality was furniture that was about 30 years out-of-date. Reality was cobwebs on walls and ceilings. (I spent a lot of quality time with the duster all week attacking knocking those down). And was WAS that smell?!

At least there was the lake! You just had to take your life in your hands a bit in order to get to it. The dock was half falling apart and we were sure one of us was going to step right through it one day. The canoes both had holes in them. And the pontoon boat that was offered to us for the bargain price of $300, I’m amazed the thing actually floated! It looked like it had been built in 1960 after dumpster diving for parts and pieces to scrap it together.

But we did get some entertainment from the paddle boat. The kids’s first attempt on it was America’s Funniest Home Movies quality.

And watching the poor teenage girls coming out of the house holding their cell phones up in the air in search of “just one bar” was like watching religious zealots worshipping their gods. “OH GREAT CELL GOD! PLEASE GIVE US SERVICE TODAY!” In the end, we did manage to have a great time. And Lauren was crowned queen of the lake after she caught 15 fish. We each got an ENTIRE BITE of fish one night for dinner after she & JB caught six of them. “Tonight, we feast!” So will we attempt this again? Hopefully. Next time, I just know to look for rooms in a resort vs. a rental house!

Teenagers, Puberty, Turning 40--Oh my!

2008-05-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

As you can read, I had the dubious honor of turning 40 recenly. On top of "celebrating" that milestone, our son turned 16 and our daughter is slowly beginning the decent into puberty. If you want drama, our house is worth a visit!

Two months before JB turned 16, he began a relationship with his first "serious" girlfriend. Great. As if getting his driver's license wasn't enough to worry about, now I get the double pleasure of thinking about him driving ALONE in the car with a GIRLFRIEND!! Many talks about wearing raincoats in the rain and all of that have followed in these past three months. We do totally adore Alexis and have a lot in common with her folks...so it's a good thing. But after not being interested in girls much his entire life, he seems totally smitten. It must be L-O-V-E because he turned to me one day in April and said, "Mom. Do you know what today is?" Hmm. Besides being a Saturday? I have no idea! "It's my three month anniversary with Lex."

Holy hell! We're counting anniversaries?! BARTENDER!!!!! (Chanting to him: don't forget about raincoats! Always have a RAINCOAT ON if you decide to go out in the weather!!!)

On top of all of this trauma, Lauren is totally turning into a GIRL! My little tomboy recently expressed her desire to have "real bras" in her undergarment collection. No training bra anymore for her. Hell no. She wants a BRA. Of course, the ones she like have the padded cups that I was thinking would take her a year to fill but it's actually only taken her about four months. What the fuck!?! Plus, I've had to teach her how to shave under her arms which means there is hair growing in other places I so don't want to think about AND that dreaded day of "becoming a woman" cannot be far behind. BARTENDER!!!!!

No WONDER I had to go with my girlfriends to Mexico for a full week to handle turning 40. Coupious amounts of alcohol have definitely been the "medication" of the era I'm living in right now.

Beer in Mexico

2008-05-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

So Mexico really IS the place to celebrate a big birthday. We arrived in Mexico right around noon stepping off the plane to sunny skies and 78 degree temperatures. BLISS!

But the real fun began once we checked into our hotel, changed into our swimsuits and headed to the pool. I had told my two friends that our vacation would probably go like this: I would drink so much the first day that I'd be totally hung over the rest of the week. And I wasn't too far off the mark!

Most of you who know me, know that I drink A LOT. Not necessarily booze; everything. I drink a 44 oz. Diet Pepsi in just over an hour every morning. At lunch, it's not unreasonable to see me refill my large drink at least once--but usually twice. So when I go out "drinking," it can be really ugly! By the time I've had too much, I've had about FOUR DRINKS too much! LOL

This first day in Mexico was not to be any different. We started the afternoon off with a big ole strawberry margarita at the pool. Next came a HUGE pina colada while walking on the beach. Then, there was a super yummy "dirty monkey" concoction made from bananas, rum and coconut milk at the piano bar. All of these were drank within about a five hour period on nothing to eat since breakfast. SUCH a good idea, huh?!

So now, I'm feeling a bit numb in the face and thinking obsessively about bread. Must get some bread to sop up the booze. Of course, by this time, it's over. The time has passed that I can reasonably recover from my drunken state, but I still think if I get some food into me, I'll be ok.

We stagger (ok, *I* stagger) up the stairs in to dinner which is served buffet style. Oh goody. Now I get to hold a plate and try to serve myself food?! This is not good. Thank GOD for good friends. Shelly lead me around that buffet like a 3 year old kid asking, "What do you want to eat?" at every station. The only thing I could focus on where the tortillas...the Mexican version of bread. LOL

At our table, I was excited to see a bread basket had been brought. (See the white light shining on it and hear that choir of angels singing?) But, it was just a cruel trick. The first roll I picked up was super hard. Hmm. Ok. So it's hard. Spread some butter on it it'll be fine. It is bread, after all. I just want the soppage ability of it's chemistry makeup. Upon tearing into it, I discovered that their chef had cleverly devised a way to bake a roll that is strictly CRUST ONLY!!! Yes. I am drunk but come on! How can you bake a roll with NOTHING on the inside?

Well, after that, it really WAS over! I got up and stumbled as gracefully as I could back to our room where I promptly passed out on until 3am. Still a bit drunk I thought I'd put on some TV and try to lull myself back to sleep with that. You'll all remember now that I'm in Mexico where English is NOT the native language. It took my brain a while to remember that fact. Drunk is so not the way to cruise tv channels in another language. And forget about trying to read captions while drunk. It's an exercise in futility.

What a long night! LOL But I never did puke. That says something about me being able to hold my liquor, right? Of course friendship only goes so far...ask me sometime about Shelly "Bindy" Barclay's way to wake up a hung over friend. Let's just say, having a sea turtle shoved in your face at 8am is SO not the way I pictured my first morning in Mexico going... LOL

If you have to turn 40...

2008-03-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

I highly recommend escaping to Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico to do so!! Especially if you live in the midwest and are having the LONGEST FUCKING WINTER ON RECORD!! Never has a trip been better planned. Not only has the thought of turning 40 been bugging me for the past three years, no! This year, we get a virtual record amount of snow and cold. On top of that, I work at Northern Illinois University. Most of you, I'm sure, have heard about the tragic events of February 14 here. So the stress level around here was crazy!

What bliss to get on an airplane in 10 degree BLOWING SNOW and get off to bright sunshine and 75 degree temps! I probably should have eaten more the first day as my drunken stupor at dinner that night can attest...but that's what Mexican vacations are for, right? But after that, the vacation was perfect. A full week of strapping on a swimsuit and only having to worry about what chait to sit in and suntan for the day. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Now, if only the warm weather had followed us.

Can I just say a big FUCK YOU to the weatherman who is predicting EIGHT TO TWELVE INCHES OF SNOW TOMORROW?!!!!!! Hello! Today is the first day of SPRING, buddy!

Another Post, Another Birthday

2008-02-12T12:08:00.001-08:00

Oh how proud we are of our boy, JB! Can you tell by this picture that he is indeed my son? Dorks of the world UNITE!

I don't have too much funny to say about his birthday. We had a very low key celebration. No "super sweet 16" blowout here. He only wanted family and "the girlfriend" invited.

Turning 16 is bringing out the teenager in him, that's for sure. He is caring more about what he wears outside the house and has the girlfriend to prove it. We are gearing up now for the BIG Winter Formal dance this weekend. He's gone before to three dances but never "with a date." This will be a new era for us. Flowers bought. Check. Vest & bow tie rented. Check. Pants & shirt from last year still fit. Whew! Flowers ordered. Dance tickets...not yet!

And goodie for me! I still get to drive the taxi van to and from dinner with six teenagers as JB still doesn't have his driver's license and even if he did, could only drive ONE passenger in his car. Seriously, which is better: one car full of teenagers or carsssss of one teenager? I really don't know!

All of this the month before I turn 40. It really makes one SERIOUSLY DEPRESSED!

The Long, Slow, Birthday Party

2007-12-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

As a parent, you learn pretty quickly that it's much better to pay someone else to use their facility for your child's birthday party vs. hosting it at your house. Especially when you were unfortunate to have a child in the cold winter months when forcing the kids outside isn't really an option.

This year, Lauren turned the big 1-0. A full DECADE old! Of course a milestone of this magnatude has to be properly celebrated. We can all thank MTV and that damn Super Sweet 16 show for that, huh? So off we went to the local indoor waterpark for a day of swimming and giggling with two of her bestest buddies. The park we went to was pretty much perfect. Not too big or too crowded. The girls had a blast.

But let me tell you...beyond my trip to the Boundary Waters of Minnesota, I have never been SO FUCKING BORED! Visiting an indoor waterpark and paying the spectator fee is just about equal to signing up for water torture vs. water fun. The place is 85 degrees in there. Nice for swimmers, but hello! I'd just come from outside where it's 20 degrees and snowing. My sweatshirt, jeans and long, blue socks (yes, I'm that sexy) were soooo appropriate for that climate. Thank God for the invention of the baseball hat. At least my face was fairly well hidden!

And then, there was the oh-so comfortable chaise lounge chair I had to sit in! You know, when you're outside in the summer laying out in the sun, there ain't nothing better than a chaise lounge. But when you're stuck just sitting in one all day, it's a whole other story. (Yes I'm old and bitching about my bad back here.) They did have a movie screen set up in there to help pass the time. I got to see Disney's Hercules and Emperor's New Groove but by mid-afternoon the selection went a bit downhill and I was forced to endure the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie!

By 2pm, I'd finished the first book I'd brought and the girls took a break to eat. At least the prices of the food wasn't outrageous. They had a nice Pizza Hut Express in there with plenty of Diet Pepsi. (It's nice to be reassured there is a God in heaven.) But I was forced to watch other adults walking around with alcoholic drinks from the bar as I had to drive the girls home later. Seven HOURS later...but still. Be responsible, right? Although, I think I did deserve at least one of that TMNT movie!

I was, at least, able to people watch. That's always a perk of public places. And hey, I felt a LOT better about the extra 50 pounds I've been carrying around. Hell, if the people I saw walking around in bathing suits are any guide, I have at least 50 more to go before I should be overly embarrassed! And let me tell you, for a minute I was almost compelled to call animal control until I realized it was just THE HAIRIEST DUDE I'D EVER SEEN! Dude. Wear a fucking shirt! Ew!

At least the last movie I got to watch was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!

You Will Respect My Authoratah!

2007-10-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

Somedays, you really should just hit the fucking alarm, roll over and go right back to sleep. A couple of weeks ago, I woke up already stressed out from some tests I was having done later in the afternoon. (It's so great to be a woman!) So I was hoping for a quiet day at work but after reading the first email in my box, that idea was shot to hell! Apparently, the incorrect version of one of my author's articles was printed in the current issue of the journal! (FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!) And since I was already stressed out (and PMSing as I discovered the very next day), I promptly burst into tears right in front of my secretary. Ugh! Again, it's so great to be a woman!

By early afternoon we'd come up with a solution to that problem and I was just getting ready to head home to get ready for my hospital visit (oh joy!) when my office phone rang. "Hello? Is zis Mrs. Watson?" (Yes. I am typing phonectically here...this Spanish teacher can barely speak English--and according to the kids--can barely speak Spanish--so I'm purposely making fun here.) "Yes it is. How can I help you?" "Zis is Mrs. SMITH" "I am JB Spanish teacher." Yes. Note the language here again.

Oh God. It's a SCHOOL call! Nothing good EVER comes from a school phone call. And how about his timing? This was SO NOT THE DAY TO MISBEHAVE!

Apparently, JB decided he just was too tired for Spanish that day. He came into class, pushed two desks together, and promptly closed his eyes to take a nap! So she went over and told him to stay "One minute afffa class." This is her punishment method for all offenses. Gee. A WHOLE MINUTE. I'm scared now, teach! (As a side note, I should mention that this teacher is certifiably insane. Virtually every parent I've talked to about her agrees. She has ZERO classroom management skills so all the kids constantly push her in her class.)

Well, apparently he couldn't be bothered to stay that entire minute and blew her off! (Again. SO NOT THE DAY TO MISBEHAVE!) Hence the phone call to Mommy and a "referral" which, we find out two days later, means Saturday morning school. Great. My son has now become a member of The Breakfast Club! I picture him as a cuter Anthony Michael Hall. (And yet again. One minute vs. two hours of Saturday School. Methinks that boy ain't learning nuttin' in math now either!)

So now, I'm fuming! It's already been the worst day EVA at work, right? And now, I get to drive home, gulp down gallons of water and drive another 1/2 hour to the hospital for my tests. Luckily for him, he wasn't home when I got home. So all I could do is RIP THE CONTROLLERS from his video games and head out and wait for the phone call I KNEW would be coming from him.

Sure enough, not 15 minutes later, my cell phone rings. I answer calmly, "Hello!" "Mom? Hey. I have a question for you." Oh do you REALLY?!!! Deep breath. "Yes???" "Um. Do you know what happened to my video game controllers?" Calmly again, I say, "Well. I have a question for YOU JB." He hesitantly responds, "Ok. What?"

"What did you do in Spanish class today?!" "NOTHING," he says right away. "Yea. OK. Before you lie anymore and get yourself in MORE trouble, I suggest you go to your room. Clean it up and kneel by the bed FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF HOURS PRAYING TO GOD I don't still want to KILL YOU by the time I get home!"

Click.

I cannot begin to tell you all how immaculate my house was when I got home. I'm kinda hoping he gets in trouble once a month. It's cheaper than a cleaning lady!

PS: We made JB apologize to the teacher for all of this. Despite her insanity, she is the teacher. So, how did she respond to his apologize? "Oh. Zats ok. I sorry too!"

Don't Call Me Grace

2007-09-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yes people. Grace is NOT my middle name. Since I can remember, I've always been a bit of a clutz. My nickname in jr. high was Linda McCLUTZagee. (My maiden name is McConeghy [pronounced Mah-CON-a-gee].)

When I was in the third grade, I jumped down three stairs (three measly stairs!) and broke my foot. Two years later on Halloween night, I broke my arm stumbling over a 6" (that's INCHES folks!) garden fence whilst running from house to house trick-or-treating. (I broke it two more times in jr. high.) My senior year in HS was spent on and off crutches after tearing the ACL in my right knee during powder puff football practices! I didn't even make it to the game!

Even as an "adult" it continues only now I get the added benefit of public humiliation in conjuction with these incidents. In 1994, I slipped and fell down the stairs in my house and dislocated my right shoulder. Of course I wasn't fully dressed--my pants laid on my bed--try as I might, I could NOT get them over my ass with one hand. And trust me, I tried! Paramedics were on their way, after all. Thank God, my underwear was clean. But, an ambulance ride in your undies is something you really don't want to experience especially with a dislocated shoulder and 1/2 hour drive to the hospital with a maniac ambulance driver!

It's been a while since then, but apparently I'm still not quite immune to accidents. Last week, at the ripe old age of 39+, my pant leg caught on a bench right outside my office door and I tripped. Who the fuck has luck like me!?! Pant leg caught on a bench! Down I went, right in the middle of the hallway. I have no idea how it happened, but I managed to injure BOTH of my shoulders on that fall! Right in front of two classrooms full of kids! "Are you ok, lady?!" (Lady! I ain't no lady! LOL And do I look like I'm ok laying here in the middle of the hall!?!) "Yes." I barely squeek out.

It took three days for the pain to go away and for the lump on my right butt cheek to be small enough to not bug me while I tried to sleep!

Yep. That's me. . .Queen of Clutz!

Cornfest (What MORE Corn?!)

2007-08-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, John and I decided to hook up with some friends of mine and attend our local festival, Cornfest. Yes. The theme this month is all about corn! When you live in the middle of corn country, the big thing to celebrate is that very vegetable, I guess.

When I was a kid, it was known as the Corn Boil and it was THE THING to do. It was in the middle of the otherwise boring summer so it was a chance to get out of the house. We'd head downtown on our bikes, get our free corn and hang out with the friends we'd not seen in six whole weeks. Yea. We were cool!

Over the years, the event was moved closer to fall when all the NIU students returned to DeKalb and the name changed to CornFest. Yee Haw! It's like the Taste of Chicago for DeKalb. There's a sound stage with favorite local bands and a huge beer garden full of drunken students and townie people. That always makes for good fights! And food booths abound. The old people hate it.

We never usually go to Cornfest. John has never been a big crowd lover, especially of the drunken variety. Apparently, he prefers a crowd of only ONE drunken lush in his life--me! (For some reason, I just cannot figure out that 5-6 beers in a night MIGHT be a bit too many for a girl who "ties one on" every six months or so!) Plus, you all know, he's one of the OLD PEOPLE already. So the night was already a bit doomed before it began.

As usual with him, we were running late, so now I'm in a good mood as well! I HATE being late! So now, we walk into a crowd of about 200-300 people and attempt to find my buddies. FUN! (Note to friends: In the midst of a live-band show, I can't HEAR YOU on the cell. Text me, girl!) We finally find everyone and I get some beer in my system. Ah. Life is better now!

Until the second band hits the stage and my friends say, "You'll love these guys! They play tons of Journey and REO Speedwagon!" Ohhhhhhh brother. John's face was priceless! There are truly not two bands John hates more than Journey and REO Speedwagon! Great! Please don't sing the Nah Nah Na Nah Nah song! Please GOD or I'll be abadoned here with no ride home.

And hey! Look over there, 10' away is my ex-boyfriend from high school casually dancing on a picnic table right in my line of sight! Gee wonder why he was dancing RIGHT THERE?! Yes, I see you, ya dick and I still hate you! Would you beleive John still has jealousy issues over this asshole even though he almost ruined my life. And let's all remember I've been married to John for OVER 20 years now. I think he should know whom I prefer!

Yea. How much fun was I havin' now?????

More beer, please!

High School Musical Two-Palozza!

2007-08-22T08:13:00.001-07:00

Disney has done it to us all again. Their hit making and marketing machine is in full force creating a High School Musical fever that's hit every kid from age 6 - age 16! Are your kids affected?

For the entire month of August, Lauren has been counting down the days, hours, and minutes until the premiere of HSM2. And again, thanks to Disney, it was easier with it on the damn screen every day too!

To celebrate such an earth-shattering event, (and celebrate the end of summer), Lauren decided she wanted to host a movie premiere party on Friday night. Ugh. OK, I guess. The girl usually gets screwed come birthday time anyway (December), so this would be a nice thing to do.

Seven giggling nine year old girls is JUST the way I want to spend the last Friday night before the hecticness of the school year decends on our household. JB wanted to kill himself!

I TRIED to tap into Martha Stewart. I really did! I downloaded a photo (see above) to reproduce and print on t-shirts for the girls. Got the DVD game of High School Musical 1 and dusted off the karaoke machine with HS1 sing along CD. I went to FOUR STORES trying to find a poster finally making some poor manager of WalMart give me the one on display there--for 1/2 off too! I made pizzas and baked cookies.

Alas, Martha Stewart I will never be! The tshirts now sit by my desk unfinished. The DVD ran out (somehow?!) with literally 3 minutes left of the movie! And, I was so busy running around keeping kids fed and watered, I didn't take ONE picture!

And those damn girls were awake til 2:30-3am! They all came up at 2am declaring they were hungry! Oi vey!

Plus, mother nature has SUCH a sense of humor that she gave me my period the next day as a post-party-feeling-hung-over-from-being-up-so-late, gift! What a bitch!!!

CornAPalooza (aka Colon Blow 2007!)

2007-08-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

It's an annual occurrence in the Midwest. Sweet corn mania hits the area around the last week of July and by August, we've all lost about ten pounds from all the corn we've consumed and shat out!This year is even worse. Not only can I stop and buy it on my way home at the local farm stand, but, we have our own plot of it in the backyard as does my FIL. In the past two weeks, I've eaten no less than 25 ears of corn. No. I am not joking!

Last Saturday was about the breaking point after having four ears the night before and then having the BRILLIANT idea to have a huge gyro sandwich at the Boone County Fair that night. Flash to a scene of me in the middle of at least 2,000 hot, sweaty bodies walking around. My stomach begins to gurgle and I have a huge ache in my gut. We stop and sit. The kids want ice cream when; BAM! I must find the bathroom RIGHT NOW! Quick, stand up. . . walk CAREFULLY to the closest toilet station. Whew. There’s one just 20 steps away. Crap! (Er. No, that’s not the right expression at a time like this) There’s a line! OF COURSE! When isn’t there a line for a woman’s bathroom?!

Now, I must walk the entire length of the fair to get to the bathroom. Um. Ok, time to pace myself. Walk quickly down the lane until I feel that gurgling again and then pause and "admire" the lovely, redneck junk on display at Billy Jo Jim Bob’s stand whilst squeezing my butt cheeks together and waiting for the wave to pass. After a couple minutes, I feel I’m safe to walk. Hurry! Don’t want to have to pause again. There it is! I hear the angels sing and see the light shining on the toilet station only this time, there's an even LONGER line at the bathroom.

And now, there's a poor four year old boy crying and crossing his legs! Dilemma!! Do I do the polite thing and let him go first? I mean, which is worse? A four year old peeing his pants or a middle age woman shitting in hers?

OMG. I just called myself middle aged!

What DIDN'T I do on my summer vacation

2007-08-07T09:03:00.000-07:00

Don't hate me because I'm...

... lucky enough to get a month off each summer!

The kids and I stay up past midnight and wake up, oh, maybe by noon. I read like a fiend (over 15 books--including Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in 24 hours!) and catch up on all the movies I've been putting off seeing (Harry Potter 5, Catch and Release & Stranger Than Fiction were great! Marie Antoinette & the old classic, Howard's End made me want to shoot myself. How BORING!).

But it wasn't all rest and relaxation. We golfed one perfect 80 degree day! Took a weekend trip to Michigan for a family reunion. (Someday we WILL figure out how to avoid Chicago when driving to Michigan!) Had a great visit with my sister and her family (including the new baby!) which also included two day-trips into Chicago museums. (We're really becoming veterans at touring the city now--two trips in last year and two this year!) Lauren and I had a marathon day at Magic Waters that lasted almost 11 hours. She ran around with buddies and I sat in my chair and tanned. It was great! We even snuck off to the Wisconsin Dells last Friday , another perfect 85 degree, low humidity day. (If you know me at all, you know my affinity for hot, humid weather. It's zero! Summer is really my least favorite season unless I'm in the pool. Last week, before Friday, I think I spent at least 12 hours in the pool! Give me a nice, crisp fall day anytime!)

But now, the fun is over and it's back to the grind! I have to admit, I'm usually happy to get back to work every fall. The kids and I are sick of each other and all fun and no work makes Linda's ass fat!

20 Years!

2007-06-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

Welp yesterday, John and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe it's been that long since I walked down that aisle. I still remember that day. Hot and muggy, like most June midwestern days, my hairdresser stressing about my hair and then getting a ride to the church from a friend with NO air conditioning in her car! Ack! Then almost passing out taking pictures before the ceremony (note to brides: eat breakfast! Butter mints do not a breakfast make on a nervous stomach. I still can't eat those fuckin' things!) and having to talk to John through the bathroom door to reassure me moments before the ceremony started.

That was just yesterday, right?

Alas, no. It was two kids and 60 pounds ago! LOL Last night, we had a really special night too freezing our asses off watching Lauren play softball (Um. where is that hot, humid midwestern weather?) and followed it up with a gourmet meal of leftover pizza! Ah. Bliss!! LOL

But not to worry, we're really celebrating tomorrow night. Both of us are taking the day off to see a movie, eat a romantic dinner, and spend the night in the whirlpool suite at the hotel where we had our reception 20 long years ago. We've not been back to that hotel since our wedding, so it'll be fun to revisit it that way. You know, 1/2 hour of good sex followed by immediately falling asleep for the rest of the night. LOL

He did good though with this beautiful "journey" pendant necklace that he surprized me with last night.

PS: Notice my super fantastic tan from my Arizona vacation. We had a BLAST!

Two Weeks Notice

2007-05-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

I was very glad to turn the calendar page this morning and realize my vacation is only TWO WEEKS AWAY! I've always been one for exciting vacations where tons of plans must be made. You know me, the PLANNER extrodinare! But this one is totally about hanging out in the pool at my sister's house drinking WAY too many Mojitos (which she claims I MUST try) and getting too much Arizona sun.

Why?

Well, in March, I took on a new job here in the English department coordinating internships for students. It's a great addition to combating the boring editing I've done for the past eight years.But, work totally kicks my ass now to stay on top of everything.In one way, my job now feeds my addiction of list making. (List makers of the world, UNITE!) I have lists upon lists now. Lists about lists! And I'm now one of those horrible people who can't commit to anything unless she has her calendar with her. I might actually have to break down and get an ELECTRONIC ORGANIZER! (Say it ain't so, Joe!) Yes. There I'll be with my little stylus pen acting oh-so important scheduling in client appointments with my daughters softball games! Yea. My shit don't stink baby...that's how important I'll be!

Riiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhtttt.

But soon, I'm promised it will slow down.

It's finals week right now. Everyone is walking the halls in a haze of too much caffeine and not enough sleep. Professors and students alike! But after Saturday and graduation, life will hopefully calm down at work.At home? That's a different story. May is the time for end of school year field trips and the ever-important Track and Field day...but that's another post. Suffice it to say, May 24 cannot come soon enough--and then we'll all count the day til July and my MONTH OFF!!!!

Hello. My name is Linda. . .

2007-04-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

. . .and I'm a romance novel addict!

I'm actually an addict when it comes to a lot of things. The size of my ass will give you a big clue that I'm a food junkie! But I also have issues with scrapbooking, rubber stamping, dvds, and jewelry is my latest vice.

My biggest addiction, however, is romance novels. Borders is my crack house! I stop there at least twice a month and drop anywhere from $25 - $50. Oh how I hate when I buy the same book too! I've done that at least five times in the past few years.

I've not counted how many I own, but "shitload" seems to be the closest mathmatical figure I could put on it. The bookshelf pictured here at the left holds my "keeper collection"--novels I love and must keep. As you can see, my shelving unit is packed. All these shelves are at least two deep in books. (Methinks I just need to get another shelving unit!?!) As well as this bookshelf, see those boxes and books hidden in the corner? They are also FULL of books that I have read but deemed not worth keeping but still can't seem to get out of the house! Then, there's the TBR (to be read) pile on the end table by my bed. There are about 20-30 in the pile at any given time.

But I'm here to tell you that romance novels have been the biggest factor in keeping my sex life alive and well after almost 20 years of marriage. I constantly tell my husband that he is lucky to have a wife like me (in oh-so many ways, right girls?! LOL) but mostly because I still have a strong libido! A lot of my friends complain about their husbands wanting sex all the time and their not being interested. I'm just the opposite, thanks to the romance novel! (There are actually times I've marked pages and FORCED John to read them!) Men really could learn a thing or two about a woman by picking up a romance novel and reading it. It's like a car manual on romance and a woman's mind!

These novels are more than just the sex too. Reading a good romance novel can give you that "spark" feeling you and your significant other had when you first were dating. I love that. That ache in the chest, tingle in your gut kinda thing. After 20 years, that's barely a memory for me! LOL

Brushes with Fame

2007-04-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

Growing up in good old DeKalb, Illinois, you wouldn't think I'd have much interaction with future famous people. . .but more than one gal has been rescued from the corn fields around these parts.

Cindy Crawford, probably our most well-known celebrity, was a senior when I was a sophmore. I got to double-date to a few dances with her (yes, I'm that cool!) as my boyfriend was in her class and she dated his buddy, Bill Cordes. He was the quarterback of the team and a bigger DICK you'd not meet! I must say, she was pretty wild her senior year but after being a total bookworm the first few years of high school and modeling most of her junior year I guess she was allowed to let her hair down.

Soap star and minor movie/tv star Melissa Dye was also in the class of 1984. She's a fellow daughter of a university professor and I well remember hanging out at her cool "A-Frame" 70s house in my youth.

This weekend I reconnected, in a way, with our most NOTORIOUS native daughter: Amy Damkroger (aka TJ Hart). In school, we knew her as a quiet kid. But she has apparently outgrown that stage and is a big star of PORN movies!! I'd heard rumors about that over the years but never knew her "stage" name til this weekend when a group of HS buddies and I got together for a girl's night out and we started in on town gossip over the past 20+ years.

So, instead of the "chick flick" we intended to watch we called around and found a male friend who had some of her movies in his collection and made him bring one over! Oh how our husbands missed out, huh? It lasted all of 3 minutes. (There are just things about my classmates I don't ever need to see or know!) We kept trying to hear some dialogue, but hello! Der. It's porn. . .

There is no talking in porn like there is no crying in baseball.

Shorts, Coat, Shorts, Coat: Why I hate spring

2007-04-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

I admit it. Even though my birthday falls in March (and usually on the first day of spring), I hate this season more than every other. I like the weather getting warmer, but “mess” that goes along with it sucks! Living on a gravel road in the spring is the worst. It’s pointless to wash it because the one mile drive down our road turns it from it's nice white color to nice muck-brown. Plus, there’s the joy of getting the kids (and HUSBAND) to make sure to clean off their shoes before they come in the house. It’s like asking Bush to pull out of Iraq. Impossible!

I’m always oh-so prepared for the warm weather too. I mean, can we get a bit of warning before it goes from wind-chill temperatures to an almost 80 degree day? Nah. Let’s do it overnight and force me to scramble in everybody’s closets in search of summer clothes.

Oh yea. That’s right. Lauren doesn’t HAVE any summer clothes because I knew she’d be grown out of her crap by now. (Thank the Lord, MINE still fit!) So off to Old Navy to stock up on a new wardrobe for this nice weather.

BTW, it’s supposed to be in the 40s for the next week. Yep. God, she’s a gal with one BIG sense of humor!

Mom! We need to have this project done by tomorrow.

2007-03-23T07:22:00.000-07:00

One of the most dreaded aspects of being the parent of a school-age child is the dreaded "school project." Those words stike fear in our hearts and throw, what was to be a normal weeknight, into a tissy of activity trying to find the shit you'll need to make some dumbass piece of crap that will eventually end up in your trash. And, it usually involves a trip to the store at 8pm because you don't have the ONE "crafty" item in the house that you'll need! And trust me, we have PLENTY of crafty items in our house!

Three years ago, we barely survived the 6th grade when my son had FIVE major projects throughout the year; most of which required costumes to accompany the display! (See photo.) [Note: You should all be mightly impressed with the costume there as *I* put it together myself. I didn't have to run to MY mom for help, for once.] (Apparently, being the GRANDMOTHER of a school-age child can be just as stressful!) But, I was able to put this together with NO sewing, plenty of felt and lots of fabric paint. Oh the joyful memories of that year.

But I digress...

Last night, when Lauren came home with a bag of gummy worms and declared we HAD to make a recipe using them (thank you, How to Eat Fried Worms!) by today! Ok. Sure, just let me pull that out of my ass! Our night was already busy with the school open house (and me going out with friends to celebrate my birthday). What the hell was her teacher thinking to plan something like that on a night she knew they'd not be home til after 7:30pm?! Thanks for the directions too. A search of Lauren's backpack yeilded no advise as to what the recipe should contain, how many it should feed, or if we should bring plates or bowls to serve it on. Nope. Nothing. There was just a bag full of gummy worms and an index card for us to write the recipe on. Nice.

Praise the Lord that John was hungry after dinner at Subway and just happened to buy two packages of Oreo cookies for dessert.

So there we were at 9:30 pm, (me with a horrid case of IBS forcing six trips to the bathroom all night), crushing cookies, slamming pudding together and layering that with cool whip and the "dirt" crumbs just so we could show off those damn gummy worms on the top.

Those brats better enjoy it!

New Music Tuesdays

2007-03-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

I've never been much of a music afficiando. Most of the stuff I listen to has been dished out to me over the radio and I never felt compelled to OWN a ton of cds. I remember as a kid, going with my older sister, Karen, and watching her peruse the record albums. (If you don't know what those are, go away! You're too young to read my blog!) She'd stock up on Elton John, Van Halen (not Van Hagar! lol) and other albums now classified as classic rock. By the time she moved out, she had a shitload of albums in her collection. I wonder what she's done with them?

But not me. Every once in a while I'd join a music club to whore 10-15 cds and then drop it as soon as I could. I always hated wasting $10-15 on an entire CD when I knew I'd only like a couple of the songs on it. Tracy Chapman comes to mind after buying that for the one song, Give Me One Reason. Soundtracks are my favorites because they usually have a nice variety on them. After all, I like everything from metal (Def Leppard is metal, right?), NONgansta rap (Will Smith, Outkast), jazz (Michael Buble), classical (Josh Groban), alternative (All American Rejects, Weezer) and pop (Justin Timberlake, Christina Aquilara, Pussy Cat Dolls). I liked Michael Jackson when he was still a black, HUMAN being. I love Dean Martin but not Frank Sinatra. Give me Rascal Flatts and I'm happy! I'm a schizophrenic music lover!

For Christmas, my husband made the grave mistake of buying me an iPod nano. There goes that New Year's resolution to stop spending money! Hello, New Music Tuesday! I now waste hours online scoping out new songs to download. Just yesterday, I bought Kool and the Gangs Greatest Hits. (Get down on it, baby! I was reliving jr. high and my brief stint as a pom-pom girl. Up until about 10 years ago, I could have still done the "Celebration" routine for you.) I also bought Candyman by Christina Aquilara and the entire album from The Last Kiss. Told you I loved soundtracks!

PS: Zach Braff is so "on my card"

EnVious? I know you are!

2007-03-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

After waiting almost a year after my contract was up, I finally went into Verizon Wireless last month to pick a new phone.

All I really want from a cell phone is a phone. I don't need it to take pictures. I don't need to get on the web. And I DON'T need a damn bluetooth thing in my ear all the fucking time. [Rant warning: Why do people think they are all so important that they need to walk around Target with their bluetooth in their ear? I saw a dude out at breakfast a couple of weeks ago on a Sunday morning at 10 am. He was sitting with virtually every member of his extended family. Who the fuck is going to call this guy that he feels compelled to leave that damn thing in his ear all during breakfast?!]

I really just need to have a way to contact people and be contacted by people in the very basic sense.

So, once I got in the store, I avoided the entire section of blackberry phones and the like. I'd seen the enV phones advertised extensively lately...even before the last movie I went and saw. Oh how I wanted one! But there was no way in hell I was paying $300 for a phone. So I stayed in the boring basic phone area and discuss options with the sales rep. She discovered then that I was an NIU employee and the words "employee discount" were being bandied about. Discount? Really. Hmm. "I really LOVE these enV phones, but they are so expensive!" Hmm. "Let's look up the discount, shall we?" she cleverly replies. But really, how much cheaper could it be?

Can you say $200 off?

$100 for that phone?! Well, yes, ma'am. I'll take this one!

Now, I'm like a giddy teenage girl texting everyone in my contact list pissing them off about my new toy! Life is good.

My Last Birthday Ever

2007-03-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I celebrated my last birthday ever. EVER. Yes. You guessed it, I turned 39 yesterday.

Today, I feel every tick of the clock and end my 30s with much trepedation. When I was younger, I looked forward to turning 30. They were to be the golden era of years when the drama of the teens was done. The unstability of the 20s: marrying, finishing college, starting a career, having babies would be behind and I could sit back and enjoy life with my family and friends. But now, I move into "midlife" territory. 1-800-CRISIS here I come!

I be OLD! There's no going back to high school now (coordinating my 20th hs reunion last fall confirmed that!). And even though I might feel the same age as the students I advise, there's no doubt when I look in the mirror that I am NOT college-age anymore.

I am the mother of a kid almost old enough to drive. My parents are in their 70s and my husband is now closer to 50 than 40! I used to tease him that I needed to trade him in on a younger model, but sadly, now HE can say the same to me! (Of course, if you all know John, you'll know he was BORN OLD. He's been 50 now for about 20 years. LOL)

So in that vein, some friends and I are planning Linda's Midlife Crisis Spring Break 2008. We're off to the Carribean to spend a week lazying around on the beach, drinking too much at night and lifting our shirts to our belly buttons to flash people! I cannot wait!

Becoming a blogger

2007-03-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

The worst part about any new thing is getting started. Several of my friends, and the world in general, seems to be obsessed now with blogging. So, I guess it's time I jump on the bandwagon.

The Linda Show will have several "episodes." Some will be TV14L, others, TVG. If any of you know me personally, you'll know I have a special talent in my use of the f-bomb and other delightful swear words. My episodes will range from my hobbies to my family to my innate ability to get myself into life's adventures.

I hope you enjoy it!